There’s a daily battle inside of me: a gremlin that tells me I should be lazy and the elegant angel that gently nudges me to do the things. Since no one tells me what to do but myself, this mini-war puts me in quite the scary conundrum.

Last week, I wrote about happiness and how my personal happiness wants work. My happiness boils down to doing what I need to do. Keyword: DO. I’m well aware of what this entails: I need to exercise, I need to write, I need to read, I need to eat well, I need to MOVE, I need to talk to humans besides my boyfriend, I need to have serious, detailed heart to hearts with my bests, I need to cook. In summary, I need to take care of myself. If I don’t take care of myself, things begin to go downhill at light speed.

Self-care used to be low on my priority list. If I rushed around and got everything done (even if it meant I was stressed the F out) then I “won” the day. Everything had to be harder, faster, better. But how did I arrive there? Frazzled, hurried, and awash with feelings of anxiety. I spent many years like this and about a year ago, my gas tank was empty.

Now, I’m replenishing the tank by actually DOING the work, and most of the time this looks insanely boring. Like eating the same meals over and over, sleeping soundly, no alcohol (maybe ONE glass of wine, because now two gives me a hangover). I just have to be vigilant, because if I stray, I regress to that acropolis-type state.

The vigilance comes in when I feel inertia and quell it by eating sweets, drinking multiple glasses of wine, not exercising, or staying in bed all day. Not moving. These moments are crucial in shoving the gremlin aside, and just locking. it. up.

The concept of locking it up can be utilized by literally just telling yourself what to do when you need to do it. FORCING yourself to do the things you must, just by taking ONE step. This can range from the self-care, to wanting to wallow in break-up land forever, to not thinking that you can do the thing, to exercise, to taking a risk, to studying, to freedom. To strength. To capability. For being thankful that you can actually speak to yourself in a way that is productive. That you can and might look like a crazy person when you speak these things aloud. “No, you are not getting on the internet right now.” “No, you will not eat chocolate today. But sometimes you can, although not today.” “Get your butt off of the couch and move.” “You will shower. You will get dressed. You will be beautiful. Get over it right now.”

The concept of locking it up works well for me. In doing so, I silence the non-wise part of myself and I get to connect with the one that knows best. The one that is strong, productive, and gets shit done. The wise mind is not a DNB. Google it.

In locking it up, we’re better able to take pleasure in food. Foods made of pork that are wrapped up in more pork and then served with a side of sweetness. This pork is something that my mom makes often for dinner parties. She served it on a particularly special night, when my boyfriend’s father and stepmother met my parents. It’s effortless, can be made ahead, and for those who are baffled on what to do with pork tenderloin because it always comes out weird, this is something to try. Specifically and also, because of of honeycrisp apples, which can be used to make the chutney served on the side, because we always need some sweetness.

In real life, when can muster up the courage to do what we know we need to do, the only thing that is left is sweetness. And then, we can bask in the completeness of it all.

Prosciutto-wrapped herbed pork tenderloins with apple chutney

Note: These babies can be made a day in advance! Wrap them up and refrigerate them up to 24 hours before serving. Bring them to room temperature 1 hour before roasting.

Ingredients

2 pork tenderloins (2 1/2 to 3 pounds total)

1 tablespoon minced fresh rosemary leaves

1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Olive oil

10 to 12 slices prosciutto

Apple Chutney (recipe follows)

Directions

Set the oven at 425 degrees F.

On a sheet pan, place the tenderloins and pat them dry with paper towels. Combine the rosemary, thyme, 1 tablespoon salt, and 1 teaspoon pepper in a small bowl. Rub the tenderloins all over with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Sprinkle all sides with the herb mixture. If there is a thinner “tail,” fold it underneath so the tenderloin is an even thickness throughout. Wrap the tenderloins completely with a single layer of prosciutto. (I place the prosciutto perpendicular to the tenderloin with the ends wrapping under the tenderloins.) While not necessary to tie the tenderloins, I prefer to do so just to keep everything tight and ready. Just tie in a few places with kitchen twine.

Roast for 20 to 25 minutes, until an instant-read thermometer inserted in the middle of the end of the tenderloin reads 140 degrees for medium rare and 145 degrees for medium. (I do NOT do medium-rare pork, but some people can get behind it if they like the moistness, but the fact that the danger just mysteriously disappeared just seems weird to me. I’ll stick with medium.) Cover the tenderloins tightly with aluminum foil and allow to rest at room temperature for 15 minutes. Slice diagonally in thick slices and serve warm with the apple chutney.

Apple Chutney

Ingredients

1 yellow onion, chopped

2 tablespoons minced or grated fresh ginger

1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice (4 oranges)

1 cup apple cider

2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon whole mustard seeds

1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

6 apples (Granny Smith or Honeycrisp), peeled, cored, and ½-inch-diced

3/4 cup raisins

Kosher salt

Directions

In a medium-size saucepan, combine the onion, ginger, orange juice, apple cider, vinegar, mustard seeds, red pepper flakes, and salt to taste. Add the apples, adding them as you chop to keep them from turning brown. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Reduce the heat and simmer for 50 minutes to 1 hour, stirring occasionally, until most of the liquid has evaporated. Stir in the raisins and serve warm, at room temperature, or cold.