You’ve been asleep if you haven’t been bombarded with messages about how you should love yourself. Apparently, self love is where it’s at. You can’t succeed without it. You can’t be in a relationship without it. You can’t grow a business or be alive or breathe without it. Most of us hear how self-love is integral to being human, but few talk about how to actually develop it. Because it’s hard, active work. Self-love comes from believing in yourself and your abilities, but not in a vacuum.

These notions must be practiced daily, like out in the big bad world. Self-love comes from emotional and physical strength. It comes from resiliency because when you inevitably fall down, you will need to get right back up. It comes from knowing and respecting your boundaries with others. In saying no. In saying yes. In taking chances. In trusting yourself. In standing up for yourself. In speaking up for what you believe in, even if it comes at the expense of others liking or accepting you. It comes from respecting yourself. Eating and moving in your own way. Having the wherewithal to know what truly works for you and what doesn’t.

Far fewer talk about the reason WHY self-love is so essential. Honestly, even though I’m diligent with it, I never thought about why I was putting in the work. I never knew that I NEEDED to know why, or what exactly festers beneath the pool of self-adoration. Until the other day, when I was listening to a podcast with one of my favorite writers, Geneen Roth. She said something that shook me awake. She was talking about loving relationships, specifically, and said that we need to love ourselves FIRST when we are in loving relationships. Okay, old news. 

But then she said that you must love yourself, cherish yourself, value yourself, trust yourself FIRST, because if you don’t, when someone comes along and sings these praises about you to you, you won’t believe them.

Big-eyed emoji.

I can’t tell you how hard that hit home for me. Because I’ve been in so many relationships where someone has complimented me, or told me they’d love me forever, or in my current relationship, where no one has loved me as unconditionally as Derek has, and I’ve looked at them like they were INSANE. I literally believed they were crazy and could not see what they saw in me. I’d almost have to look behind me to see if anyone else was there, because they couldn’t have been talking about me. Our self-images get warped throughout life. Derek tells me he would love me if I did nothing but be myself. That definitely warranted some crazy eyes. Because I’ve always been used to people praising me because I DID something, and definitely not just by being myself; pajama and glasses-clad with zero makeup at 10pm when I’m drooling on his shoulder on the couch.

The truth is, it isn’t just about relationships; we won’t believe anyone about any of our strengths or beauty or talents unless we believe it first. That job interview, that person who wants to hire you, when your mother or father in law tells you you are perfect for their son or daughter, when your best friend tells you how special you are, when your mom tells you you have so many talents inside of you, when your father tells you you are beautiful.

Try to avoid the crazy-eyes by doing the work of self-love first so you can see yourself clearly in the eyes of others. Believe in yourself. Know you are capable and worthy of all you can ever hope and dream for. Seriously, it’s possible for you and everyone out there. Because one day, you’ll wake up and you’ll believe them. Today, I fully do.